CVD Questions & Answers
Question: I would like I guess an analysis like or maybe one of those compatibility tests… or your thoughts on those. I’m good at courting. I understand the difference after being married for 20 years and now divorced courting and celibate.
Answer: I think one as to be careful if they are pursuing relationships and dismissing potentials on the basis of a compatibility test. Sure, we all want people with similar interests and compatible personalities. However, my friend those things do not necessarily equate to a happy and healthy relationship.
Here at CourtshipVsDating, I encourage individuals to do more of a self-assessment prior to engaging in a relationship.
Hope this helps:
1 – Know your core values. What makes you tick; what drives you; what undergirds every major decision you make in life.
2 – On a separate sheet of paper, draw a line down the middle and label your first column Deal-Breakers. In the second column, label it Negotiables. List at the very least 4 things in column one that you absolutely cannot start a relationship without. These are “must-haves.” Each one of them is as weighty as the other. These items listed here are non-negotiable and are measurable. In your second column, you can list as many things as you like because you are flexible on them. These are things you desire but are not must-haves.
The key is the more you know about yourself, the more it will impact the quality of choice – not a compatibility test.
Question: He says he wants to be with me but he has made himself almost completely unavailable these days. I hate feeling like I’m running behind a guy. What should I do?
Answer: My friend, I completely understand. There’s a term that fits here that I wish most people would get. It’s called “integrity.” It means whole/complete. It means there is a direct correlation between what you say and what you do. In a nutshell, if his actions aren’t lining up with his words, don’t believe his words. If he really wanted to be with you, his actions would make that clear. Yes, we all have busy seasons but that doesn’t exempt us from picking up the phone, or checking in with a text message, or even video-chatting these days. Communication is key. However, sometimes a person is just “not that into you” and that’s okay.
Don’t allow yourself to be played or manipulated. Don’t put your love life on hold and definitely don’t run behind anyone! If you like, reach out once more – leave a clear message about your intent to move on. If he doesn’t respond, shut the door and keep it moving.
Question: I’m single and enjoying my life currently. Is there anything wrong with me per se “playing the field” until I find the right one?
Answer: Hmmm … First, I appreciate your sincerity in asking this question. I also want to say that it’s a good thing that you’ve learned how to be single and happy. Having said that … on to your question.
Playing the field … Bro – In short, the term “playing” is always wrong with dealing with people’s lives. I’m not going to try and diagnose what’s really going on here, but I will say this, it sounds like no one you’ve met has truly captured your attention or you’re not ready to settle down yet.
Any relationship or connection to a person of interest should be purpose-minded and purpose-driven. Do me a favor. Before you go out with another lady: (1) Drop playing from your vocabulary. We’re not players and no one wants to be played. (2) Determined if this is the time for you to be pursuing a relationship. Pray on it, bro. (3) Determine and be very clear on what you’re looking for.
It’s a good thing that you’re looking for the right one to invest the rest of your life with. My prayer is that you do all you can to prepare yourself and then allow God to lead you to that right person.
Anonymous: What does it really mean to understand our partner’s intent and seek understanding?
Answer: We must be intentional about not jumping to conclusions. I think each of us must remember that ONLY God truly knows what’s in the heart of an individual. If you want to know why your partner is doing something, then ask them. If you believe they are lying in their response, then ask the Holy Spirit to reveal it. Part of what the Holy Spirit does for us is that He is a revealer of the truth. Definitely something to pray about.
Having said that … Seeking understanding is sincerely trying to comprehend why your partner does things a certain way or why your partner makes certain decisions …. Watch this – “in effort to empathize, understand or relate to the situation.” This doesn’t mean what they’re doing is justified by their intent but at least you get a better understanding.
Question: Ok, so, what do you do, if you believe that you have married the “wrong” person and how do you address God to “replace” this person with the “right,” or how do you become the “right” in the wrong, to make the crooked thing straight, as God says? Not really a ‘formal’ question but it sums up what I want.
Answer: Wow! That question is loaded! The first thing that is necessary for me to say is that God hates divorce. In our present culture, I believe many have become numb to that fact. In regard to the first part of your question is – If you feel you’ve married the wrong person, I’m sorry but God offers no replacement or substitute. You must do your best to work with what you’ve gotten. As for righting the wrong, with God all things are possible. Surely, if God can make a way in the wilderness and produce water in the desert, He can also work a miracle in your marriage as well. Whew … For the record, I understand this is a very challenging scenario.
In your question, you did not mention any abuse or infidelity – just if you believe that you married the wrong person. So, I’m answering accordingly.
As for, how do you become the right person? Certainly, you don’t transform into someone else, but you can work on becoming the best wife you can be. Apart from that, most of the work may be aligning yourself with a vision that you didn’t buy into. As long as it doesn’t contradict God’s word, or bring disrespect to you, you should be ok.
Sounds like much prayer, fasting, and patience will be needed. However, once you’re married, the person you said, “I do” to becomes the “Right Person.”
My friend, do all you can to make it work – and all you can, make sure you do. Be sure to do self-evaluations as well and utilize every available resource to help with your marriage. I pray things work out for you. Be encouraged Anonymous.
Question: As a believer, is it wrong for me to get into a relationship with a man who is an unbeliever?
Answer: The answer is yes it’s wrong. But don’t take my word for it. In 2nd Corinthians 6:14, the Bibles says “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers…”
From a biblical perspective, you are seen as light, but he is seen as darkness; you are seen as righteousness, but he unrighteousness. So, God, through the Apostle Paul, warns the believer to avoid these types of relationships. For how can two walk together unless they are in agreement? – And that agreement should start with the Word of God.
Now, having said that, contextually, although the scripture deals with unbelievers, believers can also be unequal as well i.e. babes vs mature.
My suggestion, since the man is the head/lead, he most certainly needs to be spiritually grounded and unwavering in the faith. Growing in the knowledge of God and His word can come in time, but in regards to his faith – brother should be uncompromising.
Question: Is it normal to still have feelings for an Ex if you are in a new relationship?
Answer: Hmmm – I wouldn’t say normal, but I will say this. It probably happens a lot. At times, I believe it happens because one party never wanted the relationship to end in the first place. Just because the relationship is over in regards to physically being together – that doesn’t mean it’s over in the other person’s heart.
However, this really should be assessed and settled BEFORE entering into another relationship. It’s unfair to engage oneself with someone else when you still have feelings for an ex. This is why we suggest taking the necessary time to sever all ties between relationships and not simply jumping back into a “substitute” or a “rebound” one. Relationship-hopping should not be a practice.
The truth is when you have authentically cared about someone for any period of time – you will need some authentic time to get over them too. The wonderful thing is when you are really over them, you can see them in passing with someone else, speak to both of them and it won’t bother you a bit! If this scenario happens and you’re still feeling some kinda way, you’re probably not ready for a new relationship… at least not yet.
Question: When so much time has passed, how do you know if it’s God’s desire for you to be married?
Answer: I believe when someone has an earnest desire to be married and it has not happened – he or she must do an introspection to ensure they are no the real hold up.
Here are a few things to ponder:
- Perhaps over the years, some really great opportunities came along and you dismissed them because it wasn’t quite what you were expecting?
- Perhaps you were distracted with too many Ismael’s when Isaac was right there in your presence?
- Perhaps you allowed days, months, and years to pass you by believing you were never ready.
- Perhaps you are well aware of what you want but have not idea what you need.
- Perhaps your discernment has been off or you have had unrealistic expectations.
- Perhaps ingrained cultural beliefs have hindered the process … (age, ethnicity, etc)
Question: I’m starting to lose hope. I’m very close to believing that perhaps marriage just isn’t for me. What are your thoughts?
Answer: God’s timing is perfect and He makes all things beautiful in His time. Sis, never forget that it’s the Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom – that includes your husband. If marriage is your desire, I trust that He will give you the desires of your heart. Be encouraged, keep the faith, and keep hope alive.
Question: What would you say to men who aren’t willing to get their lives right until a woman is with him to motive them?
Answer: I would encourage them to make haste and not wait. A woman who is secure and ambitious will not waste her time on a man without initiative, passion, and purpose. It’s a real turn off. If that’s what he’s waiting on, there’s a good chance he’ll be waiting a long time. A woman who settles for these types of men or assumes the super-woman role is typically lacking some things in her own life.
Question: As a single parent, if you know someone you would like as your child’s parent but not necessarily as your spouse … and a different person as your spouse but not as your child’s parent, does that mean neither is for you?
Answer: Great question and Great answer in the question. Once you’ve had a child, you are a packaged deal. However, the first line of business you need to be sure of is that the potential first meet God’s requirements for YOU and secondly your requirements for YOU. If those things aren’t satisfied, it wouldn’t matter if the person of interest were the best parent in the world. In the first scenario, your child would be happy and you would miserable. On the other hand, if he/she meets those previous requirements, but wasn’t a good potential parent, I wouldn’t necessarily say immediately disregard them. Perhaps they didn’t grow up in an ideal home or perhaps they’ve never experienced true love and nurturing. So, talk – discuss – and talk some more. If you are still feeling the same afterward, by all means, please keep it moving.
Now, if it became clear the individual was an abuser, previous child molester or had real anger issues, etc.. well, those are ALL red flags. You should definitely pray for him/her, but should, by all means, keep it moving too. If not, let it ONLY be because God said otherwise.
Question: I’m gun-shy now about making deep friendships with men. I want to marry my best friend. But, also when forming deep friendships I tend to fall for the guy. I’m either friend-zoned or left. I rather not form friendships with men unless I know there is a purpose in getting to know each other for possible marriage. How does one go about doing this? And how do you state that you would not care for friendships with the opposite sex unless their intent is to get to know you as a possible marriage match?
Answer: Great Question. I believe you have answered correctly in your own response. One way to eliminate this is to ensure that the intent is well discussed at the beginning. If the person says, ‘I just want to be friends’, and you’re okay with adding another friend of the opposite sex, go for it – with clear boundaries of course. You must ensure that is all they get. If this person says, ‘I just want to be friends’, but he or she is showing you something contradictory, do not make assumptions. Have a ‘keep it real’ conversation regarding the inconsistencies. If the behavior continues, cut it off. No ‘just friend’ should be attempting to romance you. If the person says, ‘I want to be friends, but I view you as a possibility’, don’t waste your time. Let him or her come back when their mind is clear. If the person says, ‘I want to be friends with the possibility of more’, find out exactly what that more actually means. It sounds to me like they want to date you on probation. If the person says, ‘I like you and believe you could be the one for me’, have more conversations, but keep your boundaries in place until YOU believe the same thing. The entire time, regardless of what the person wants, please keep your emotions at bay. Even with the right person, you’ll need to build an authentic friend – absent of romance.
Question: How long should you wait to determine if a person is worth marrying?
Answer: Honestly, this is a personal decision you’ll have to make. However, to avoid the long drawn out emotionally draining indecisive period, I suggest not even engaging in a relationship with someone who isn’t worth marrying. So, take a peek into your future. If what you see does not include the choice you are about to make – well, don’t make that choice. I’m not saying the person isn’t marriage material. What I am suggesting is there’s a great chance he/she isn’t right for you. If the person meets that first criterion, set a time period you refuse to go beyond. Typically, a person knows pretty early if you are marriage material and if you are the one for them.
Question: What is the most important thing to remember while in a relationship?
Answer: Great question anonymous. #1 – The most important thing to remember while in a relationship is the One who hooked you up! Prayerfully, that’s God. Always keep Him first and never let the person of interest come close to changing that priority. #2 – The second most important thing to remember is YOU. In marriage, the two of you will become one. However, your stamp of individuality doesn’t disappear. God created you the way you are for a reason. That reason doesn’t change when you engage in a relationship. Never forget you.
Question: What’s the primary difference between Courtship & Dating?
Answer: The number one answer is going to be Intent. When you court, it’s with the intent of one day marrying the person you’re with. A person can date someone for years with marriage never being an intent.
Question: What do guys really mean when they say, “I’m not ready for a relationship?”
Answer: It could mean several things. However, what is clear is the person is not ready for a committed relationship. My suggestion is that you accept what he’s telling you and not try to force anything beyond it. Hanging around won’t get him to change his mind. Even if it worked, there’s a good chance you’ll be dealing with someone who will not be emotionally available.
Question: What are the values of making a man “wait” during courtship?
Answer: Here are few significant value points of waiting from my perspective… #1 – If you are a believer, it shows your obedience to God. #2 – It shows his respect and honor for the woman. #3 – For a man, it requires a tremendous amount of patience, discipline, and self-control. You get to see these demonstrated. Each will be needed in the relationship and marriage. #4 – It shows that even though he loves “sex” – if he’s willing to wait, it will show that he loves God more. #5 – It shows that we trust God that the wait will be well worth it on the other side of “I Do.” I was once told that if a man can discipline what’s between his legs, he can handle anything else life throws his way.
Question: So how do I know that I’m with the right man? I’m still waiting for that confirmation & God’s permission for us to accept each other in marriage.
Answer: A few things I call “house chores” because they must be done.
- 1 – Make sure you’ve prayed about it;
- 2 – Make sure you have genuine peace about him;
- 3 – Make sure he meets God’s standards (a fruit-bearing believer);
- 4 – Make sure he meets your standards (core values);
- 5 – Make sure you’re going in the same direction (vision/purpose).
- 6 – Make sure it is someone you honestly enjoy being around.
These should get you started. 🙂
Question: When just meeting a potential courting partner, what are the main questions to ask/avoid?
Answer: It’s ok to have some small talk, but don’t leave it there. Ask questions that truly count. Relax for sure, but questions should be specific to your core values and standards at the very beginning. This will help you in your process of elimination if the answers do not measure up.
What to avoid? From my own experience, don’t make the person feel like they are in an interview. I made that mistake several times lol. You want the conversation to flow and be organic. 🙂 Also, avoid the sex subject. There’s no need to talk about sex when you’re just getting to know someone. If the person you’re speaking to brings it up in the first couple of conversations, clearly it’s a ‘red flag.’
Question: Where is that line of trying, waiting, and seeing what God can do versus wasting your time when it comes to courting a guy?
Answer: Whew. Good question. As you know, we are sticklers about not wasting time. However, that timeline is yours to make. If the person meets the initial requirements, you don’t have to wait to see if they’ll measure up later. Truthfully, at the beginning of a relationship, you shouldn’t have to put a lot of work into it. The real work should come much later. Perhaps what you’re really seeing are flags. If so, please use wisdom moving forward.
Question: How long you have to wait to move from separation to divorce?
Answer: This has everything to do legally with the time prescribed by each state here in America. However, from a biblical perspective, the separation was not necessarily meant to lead to divorce. Rather, it is time apart to work things out individually. And perhaps, if possible, resolve conflict and reconcile (1 Cor. 7). It is important to note here that God hates divorce. Never the less, I understand that coming back together doesn’t always work because it takes two willing participants. Having said that, my encouragement is that you do all you can to make your marriage work. However, when you’ve exhausted all and the other individual doesn’t want it – at least you can walk away knowing you gave it your best. No guilt and No shame.
Sub-Question: I am in the process of getting a divorce. Can I start seeing other people?
Sub-Answer: No – Not from a biblical perspective. The reason why is because both in the eyes of God and the legal system you are still married. Use this time to focus on “you.” I would also suggest, if possible, to see if there can be reconciliation with you and your spouse. If not, you’ll still need to hold off on seeing anyone else until the divorce is final.
Question: Who initiates courtship?
Answer: The man. He is the suitor/pursuer.
Sub-Question: What are your thoughts about a woman pursuing a man?
Sub-Answer: I know times have changed and people are doing things a bit different in this 21st Century. However, I still believe its the man’s job to pursue. However, once discovered, she has the upper hand because it’s her decision to say yes or no. Be cautious not to jump on every societal change. Also please note that pursuing is a leadership role. If she pursues at the beginning, it would be irrational to assume he’s going to lead in all the other areas of the relationship moving forward. Side note: When the man finds a wife, he finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.
Sub-Question: What if a man isn’t confident enough to approach you, but rather uses others to connect with you? How should that be looked upon?
Sub-Answer: I don’t have a problem with introductions. Some of the best relationships and marriages have come out of introductions. However, I do have a problem if the man is too timid to approach. Some things in life require taking chances and this is one of them. The is a calculated risk that should be well worth taking. Honestly, I haven’t met very many women who want a passive man by their side.
Question: How long should courtship last before marriage?
Answer: Great question. There is no right or wrong answer with the exception of the following. If the time is too short, you run the risk of marrying someone you don’t really know. If the time has exceeded 2 years, there may be apprehensions that must be addressed. I always say that if you are over 25 and have found the right one, there’s no need to take forever to say, “I do.”
If you are not ready for marriage because there are a number of things you need to work on, please hold off on courting too until you work some of them out. There is no reason, in my opinion, to court someone for 5 years. One of the biggest problems is maintaining abstinence and keeping the relationship pure. I have no confidence in my flesh and I certainly hope you don’t either. By the way, I understand there are anomalies of people who got married in 3 months and have been married for 40 years. My parents got married in 8 months and remained married for 55 years. So it does happen, but trust me when I tell you its not the norm.
Question: How long should I wait on him? It’s already been 6 months and he still hasn’t made a commitment.
Answer: It’s simple. Stop waiting. If you have been clear about your intentions and what you want – and he cannot seem to make up their mind, my suggestion is to move on. Your time and emotion are much too valuable to waste.
Question: I’m a virgin. Is it wrong for me to expect to marry a virgin too?
Answer: Absolutely not. However, it’s also good to be realistic. Unfortunately, the chance of both individuals being virgins after the age of 25 is slim. None the less, if you are convinced this is what God has shown you, don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.
Note: Once a person becomes a believer, it also means they are born-again. In other words, they are new creatures in God’s eyes. The real question is how they look in yours.
Question: The Bible speaks of the single person living to please God, and married living to please the world. If the two live for God, how does the role of pleasing go from God to the world when marriage is created to Glorify God?
Answer: Fair question 🙂 When one is Single/Unmarried, his/her total devotion can be directed towards God — caring for the things of God. However, once they’ve gotten married, their devotion is now split between God and their spouses. This doesn’t change one’s love or affection towards God. In fact, how you handle your relationship with your spouse will speak volumes about your relationship with God. Your responsibility now becomes your spouse (meeting their needs), your home and God. When you see the term world, view it from the perspective of the necessities of life and family that must be taken care of. Also, note that in the Bible the man is told that if he doesn’t take care of the needs of his home he is worse than an infidel. (1 Tim. 5:8)
Question: Thank you for taking the time to answer our question. Here is my question. What are 3 ways to confirm you are courting a man who believes in chivalry, means it and believes in it – not just playing the part. Thank you for who you are, the knowledge you share and walking in your purpose
Answer: You’re welcome my friend. Here are some ways to know if your man is a chivalrous man. How he honors, respects, and protects you; how he treats the elderly; and his unselfish devotion to helping others. For a Godly man, you will most definitely see it in his undeniable devotion to God. My book, “The Chivalry Project” lays out 7 principles of a chivalrous man and 60 acts. Check it out when time permits on our book page.
Question: When celibate and waiting for marriage, when should you inform the other person? How should you inform them?
Answer: This should be made known within the first couple of conversations. When you’ve expressed your desire to keep it that way, be sure to ask your potential mate questions regarding it too. It’s important that you invest time with someone who has the same standards. How should you inform them? Bring it up in the conversation when you are discussing your views on certain subjects. Your faith should also be brought up in the first conversation or two. By the way, I know the question was previously asked about what questions you should ask. So, here I’ll go as far as to say – take a bit of time alone and jot down your non-negotiables/deal-breakers. Ask questions that are related to them.